Friday, April 17, 2009

My ideal Super Bowl halftime show would include Adam Lambert

Adam Lambert
have you seen this kid.. he's the best thing thats happend to american idol since .... ever.

Trent Reznor
because two hot men with guy liner are better than one.

David Bowie..
Now that would be a Power House performance!

Isn't everyone afraid of Nuclear war?

I've had this fear since i've been old enough to understand that we are vulnerable every second of every day to an Nuclear war. The though of this is very frighting. However, I am not so consumed by the thought of it that it interferes with my daily life.

My first job: Hollywood Video

I was 15, and i was the girl that got to put all your movies back on the shelves in alphabetic order. i worked there for 6 months, and then ended up getting a job at Petsmart as a dog washer, and was soon promoted to a full service groomer. Worked there for the next three years. I then switched companies to a competitor. I groomed dogs full time for the next year and a half at Petco.

Please get Slap my Bit@h up out of my head

What three songs do you wish you could erase from your memory? Mine are...

When the rescue ship comes, I'll tell 'em: I'm fine, thanks

I have always been the type of girl that dreamed of me and my family sailing away to an uncharted island, and living happily ever after. I love Nature, seclusion, meditating to the sound of the ocean, and the thought of the challenge of living off the land always has intrigued me.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

First rule of relationships: Always be honest

Always be honest
Telling each other the truth is key to surviving, Lies only breed trust issues in a relationship.

Dont forget to Communicate
Tell each other anything, no matter how uncomfortable. weather it be about money, Sex (especially sex), Needs, or even just communicating about everyday stuff when there's no "issues" to be discussed.

Be best friends
There is no relationship if you cant call each other friends. I find this rule to be the easiest one. If it's not there, if you cant have a good time hanging out and being friends, whats the point in pursuing a relationship?

Always show affection
Try to keep it fresh. there's no way you'll last if you lose affection for each other. Ladies, men like to cuddle, just not after sex. Set aside a different time for cuddling that isn't related to sex, and i guarantee that you'll get your cuddle fix, and he wont mind a bit.

Always accept them for who they are
If your with a man/woman your determined to fix, or change, or polish up a bit, your in the wrong relationship. I love my man, and that includes his nerdy electronic fixation, sometimes appalling manners, his inability to handle hard liquor without turning into a big baby, and his silly fear of clowns. There's no sense in wasting your time, Love all of them, or leave them. It'll be better for both of you in the long run.

Never let friends interfear in your relationship.
I've found that when most relationships are new, the friends of both parties feel left out, and sometimes even jealous. Never let this be a source of fighting between the two of you. it's not "bro's before hoe's", nor do "girlfriends last forever, and men come and go." we are a species designed to breed and have a family. This would never happen if we lived by these philosophies.

Never do anything you wouldnt want them doing.
I've made this mistake, and it doesn't feel very good when they come back at you with the comment like "how would you feel if i (fill in the blank).....?" Actually i went a little crazy inside when i imagined him staying out all night for "work" with a co-worker of the opposite sex. Needless to say, i haven't repeated this offense.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

I'll spend my golden years in Ocho Rios, Jamaica

Have you seen Photos of this place, its a paradise. Not to mention that the culture there suits my soul.

In defense of my vice:

why cannabis is a miracle Plant.

I started a couple years out of High School, It was not something i ever saw myself enjoying. I must say that God's greatest Plant, Momma Ganja is my biggest vice(if you want to call it that.) I was introduced to this vice for the first time when i was around 14 years old, i tried it, and when i inhaled for the first time, I coughed so hard, that i blew chunks in front of all of my friends.. Needless to say, the experience embarrassed me so much that i refused to partake with my friends for the next several years. I found out that i could drink alcohol and avoid getting sick by not drinking too much. I was set on that path for most of my youth.

When i was around 20, i decided to try again with the more natural way of catching a buzz, and i loved it. No more alcohol for me from that day froward. I became a medical marijuana patient in the state of California, under the senate bill 420, and Prop. 215. I was now 24, and suffering from sever gallstones and biliary colic.

I soon began to see the benefits of this "vice" for a lot of my aliments. At this time, i also stopped taking sleeping pills to sleep at night. I thought to myself, this is truly a gift of the gods. soon, i was no longer in need of pain meds to manage my gallstones while i was awaiting my surgery. It was truly amazing.

About a month after i became a Legal patient under state law, i became heavily involved in "the cause." I became the manager of my local marijuana dispensary, and learned the in's and out's of the business. I worked with people from all walks of life, including stage 4 cancer patients, Several people with MS, Terminally ill patients with ailments such as inoperable tumors and such, and even a very famous director, who has a sever case of turrets syndrome, and uses marijuana to control the verbal outbursts, and physical twitches involved with his disease. (he was my favorite, he would smoke a little cannabis, and suddenly the vulgar slurs and distracting grunts and moans that usually would come out of him turned into him whistling a beautiful rendition of Beethoven's symphony #5)

in conclusion, i guess my defense is that my vice provides me with medical relief, peace of mind, a creative outlook on life, and most of all, patience, understanding, and compassion for all living things. I cant say that i've meet many people in bars that have the same results with their use of alcohol. And i can guarantee that it would be like looking for a needle in a hay stack trying to find a user of any other substance that carried the same life values as the average daily cannabis user.

How to get what you want.

Generally, I use my natural gifts of persuasion. When i really want something, I tend to sell the idea to everyone around me. I guess i must be pretty convincing. I find that i rarely meet resistance in the case of wanting things my way. Maybe everyone has figured out that I'm truly brilliant, and it's in their best interest to listen to me if I am expressing my opinion. Most People in my life know that i don't speak feverishly about something unless i really know what I'm saying. If i don't know what I'm talking about, and cant effectively convince people to do it my way, i usually reserve my opinions until I'm more informed. Moral of the story.. Keep your mouth shut unless you have some ground to stand on.. You will always get your way if you persuade people to your way of thinking or doing, ONLY, if it appears you always know what your talking about.

Friday, February 27, 2009

For all of my years, I never Knew…

My mother’s mother,
Eunice Jean Hurt. I’ve always known my
Father’s mother, and she has been in my life since I was born. In the case of my mom’s mom, unfortunately
she left our plane many years before my mom herself was even able to get to
know much of her own mother. My mom was
8 years old when her mother passed. All I
ever really knew of her or my grandfather, was that she was a spiritual
teacher, and laying on of hand healer, and that her and Yale, my grandfather
traveled in some of the popular Hollywood circles at the time, and that they
were very much into the theories of life on other planets. i.e.
Aliens. ....

Much to my relief, at my ripe age of 26
years old, I finally came across something that spoke of her. 8 pages of a book written many years ago, the
man speaks so wonderfully of her that I have the urge to share this
information. He was one of her students
that later went on to more learning in the field that she taught, and wrote a
book on the topic. ....

Below is the exact
exert from the book: Chapter 5 pages 96-104....

And so he writes....

The initial phases of my professional
life, death and the incurable were emotionally unacceptable to me because they
indicated failure on my part. I still
battle the “incurable” and ideas about death.
– But not alone; I have invited the patient to do battle along with
me. ....

The wall between the intuitive and the
rational had begun to weaken during my residency at the Mayo Clinic. When I finished my residency, the wall
crumbled. My interest in to metaphysics
was rekindled as a deep yearning to explore higher states of
consciousness. The awareness that I was
to meet Eunice quickened me during my first year and a half in private
practice. ....

In October 1971, a male patient who came
in for a routine checkup suggested that I might enjoy meeting his spiritual
teacher. We had already talked briefly
about Metaphysical healing concepts, but I wasn’t yet prepared to accept his
invitation. After all, there are so many
funny cults in southern California. (One
cartoon puts it beautifully with a signpost on a desert highway: “You are now
leaving California, resume normal behavior.”)
But when my teacher mentioned that the teacher was a “She” and that her
name was Eunice Hurt, I was overwhelmed with excitement. My god,
I thought, the intuitive flash was correct.
But I didn’t drop my stethoscope and das over to meet her. I knew that I was going to study with her,
and I knew the timing of our meeting had nothing to do with my personal need or
excitement. In fact, I wasn’t to meet
her for six weeks. ....

The moment came on a Saturday afternoon in
December 1971, when the patient called and said that Eunice would like to meet
me. I was nervous because my outer
thinking was that she might not accept me.
The pull toward this woman was not normal; it was paranormal, and I knew
it. ....

She was living in a small house in Van
Nuys, a suburban community in the San Fernando Valley, the “Bedroom” of Los
Angeles. When I entered the living room,
where she was seated, my heart pounded and my palms were perspiring. She stood, looked me over carefully, then
laughed and opened her arms to me. The
radiance of her Beingness was Love made manifest. I was swept into a state of ecstasy. It was an internal ecstasy, because I was
almost motionless, caught in a state of sensing the Divine, while my outer mind
was left contending with the appearances. ....

Eunice was 46 years old, but what I was
feeling was an ageless “Old” soul, a temple of ancient wisdoms with a presence
I did not have to try to feel, but that enfolded and uplifted my own. We did not speak for several minutes. Then, with perfect eye contact, a mutual “Yes”
was whispered.....

I cried when I returned home. In fact, I cried all that night and all the
next day. The tears were not of sadness
nor of grief nor of pain nor of suffering; they were tears of inexplicable
joy. I had recognized her Beingness, and when I use the word recognize, I mean the deep recognition
that is so very rarely experienced – the remeeting with a soul one has loved
and respected in past lifetimes. She was
brother, teacher, mother, sister, father, son and wife. She was spiritual coworker, fellow Buddhist disciple,
Zen master and ancient Egyptian teacher of the healing arts. Our souls were entwined over many different
lifetimes, always for the purpose of helping to awaken one or the other, and
usually to help one or the other to cross over when death came. A week before she died, Nine months after I started
to study with her, she told me this last detail – a detail I already knew. She will be present at my own death. ....

Meeting somebody from a past lifetime is
actually a very common occurrence, but one that is filtered from the other
mind, which is fundamental to the essence of Life. I do not intend to dwell on concepts of reincarnation
nor to develop convincing proofs. When
one reaches a certain level of development, this knowledge enters the awareness
and needs no rationalization. ....

In December 1971 and January 1972, I
attended the last four weekly evening sessions of a series of sixteen classes
Eunice was giving to the public. They
were followed by eight more classes, closed sessions, with attendance by her
invitation only. Much of the content
dealt with group-healing concepts, dream interpretation, metaphysical
principals and the teachings of Jesus.
The deepest level of teaching did not begin until March 1972 when,
according to an empress she had received, she took a few of her students into experiential
realms of awareness I had only read about.....

By the time she finished with me, I had
thrown down every last remnant of skepticism.
I was defenseless, because her mastery of psi phenomena was nothing
short of miraculous. Her gifts of
telepathy, clairvoyance, and precognition were accurate and proved. She could if she desired, generate a force
field that could knock over a huge and powerful man. Neither her student’s thoughts nor their
actions were unavailable to her. There
could be no games or deception, because she knew the truth of one’s Beingness. As she told each one of us at the outset, it
was no trivial task to take on the responsibility of training even one student,
let alone twelve. Because of our mutual
commitment, her awareness of each one of us was acute twenty-four hours a day. ....

I had never experienced unconditional Love
until the moment I met Eunice. There
were no strings attached, and no judgments issued from her being about any of
the more unsavory aspects of her students.
She saw what she called the Divinity of each soul; the personality level and the confusion of the outer
mind were unnecessary to the induction process.
She was the great awakener, and she knew it. The last three years of her life were ones of
ministry and teaching. Even her children
became secondary to this task. ....

Born and Raised on a farm in the mid-west,
Eunice in her earlier years had experienced the poverty of the depression
era. She related many episodes of the
paranormal, including actual physical body levitation, before adolescence. I am unaware of most of the details of her
outer-Life… working her way through school, five marriages that ended in
divorce, her outer training in metaphysics and the various places she had
worked as a secretary in Los Angeles.
Her public lecture work and private counseling sessions had begun
approximately two years before we met. ....

She had an excellent mind and was quite
capable of concepts in the areas of advance mathematics, physics, history, and
philosophy. Although deeply knowledgeable
in both the Old and New Testaments, she was eclectic in her approach to
religious principals. She drew from the Buddhist
Sutras, Sufi concepts, Hindu teachings, the cabala, hermetic philosophy, Zen Buddhist
koans and Islamic teaching; but fundamentally she always used a Christian model
on which to display these other teachings and principals. Even though she was profoundly religious,
there was always the balance of her sharp intellect, which could cut to pieces
a skeptic whose doubts were based on intellectual grounds. ....

To the external eye, she was a
hard-working secretary raising a teenage son and daughter. She smoked two pack of cigarettes a day; used
little, if any alcohol; loved all kinds of food; occasionally fasted; had
traveled little outside the united states; loved a good joke; could swear appropriately; dressed conventionally; bleached her hair;
was very frightened of water, from ocean to swimming pool; tended to be mildly
overweight; enjoyed conversation for hours on end; was a very strong fighter
for what she believed in; cared little for animals and plants; could play like
a child; did not personally like everyone she met; and could lose her temper, particularly
with her children. That was Eunice at
her personality level. ....

But when she blended with more expanded
portions of her Beingness, as she could do in the blink of an eye, she was
saintlike, a totally different entity, whose words were like liquid light whose
presence was sheer manna. ....

In metaphysical terms, she had developed
the ability to blend with her high self instantaneously, demonstrating Christ
consciousness – the essence of Love. ....

Thus, Eunice was a real person, with
problems just like those of any other human being, but with one exception: she
was awake. There was no need in her to
meet the expectations others may have desired her to meet, to deceive people by
displaying only her sainted pattern or to gain personal power over others with
the use of her gifts. ....

When she was in her ordinary awareness,
she was a light. When she was channeling
spiritual principals and energies from another dimension, she was mind-boggling. It was through the difference between Eunice’s
ordinary awareness and her more expanded Beingness that I later learned to see
that to be the personality level is like a garment. It can serve the purpose of developing
experiences, but when it is no longer useful, when it can take one no further,
it is to be discarded as a garment is discarded, as the body is discarded when
it is time to enter another plane. Once I
had learned experientially that I did not have to stay in the personality level,
once I knew that there were alternatives, I could begin the resolution of
problems configured at the personality level.

The intensity of her teaching, so
unselfishly showered on the small groups of individuals during the last nine
months of her life, cannot be summarized fully – or even shared partially
without distortion. I can say that it
was like riding on the back of a winged horse as she took each of us into
dimension after dimension of consciousness beyond the ordinary, through the
power of her inducting field, sharing wisdoms in the art of healing and in the
achievement of self-realization. Meditation
was basic to her teachings. Anyone who
could not meditate missed the “inner plane” experience. In my case, meditation freed my identity from
my outer mind. The impossible became possible, and the insoluble became its
own solution. ....

Keep in mind that during my study with
Eunice I was a totally orthodox internist, practicing the subspecialties of pulmonary
and cardiac medicine in addition to general internal medicine. I had not come into the awareness of body
energy fields, chakras, and the transmutation of diseased tissue. Traditional medical concepts dominated my
practice of medicine. I not only was on
the teaching faculty of the Hospital of the good Samaritan Medical Center, but
was also an assistant clinical professor of medicine at the Los Angeles
county/University of Southern California Medical Center (L.A. county hospital),
teaching general and Pulmonary medicine to medical students, interns and
residents. In July 1972 Eunice coughed
up some Blood. A mass lesion was noted
in the left hilar region of her lungs. Within
three days surgery was performed, but the prognosis was poor. The lesion was highly malignant, but not, as
one might have suspected, the type of cancer associated with her smoking. It was a scar cancer, developing out of scar
tissue associated with an old granulomatous disease, probably a fungal
infection. ....

The dichotomy of Eunice’s Beingness became
evident. The personality level was
angered, frustrated that her life was going to end just as she was reaching the
prime of her teachings. Her concern for
her children dominated her thinking as she reluctantly began to put her affairs
into order. Her outer mind, feeling
trapped in an uncontrollable circumstance, cried out in anguish. The fear of pain occasionally obsessed her
and made her plead with me to reassure her that I would not withhold narcotics. ....

She recuperated
from the lung surgery in the guest cottage in which she had trained our group
in spiritual work. There she related a supervivid
dream in which a station wagon, in which she was driving us all to an unknown
destination, broke down after climbing a steep hill. After the vehicle coasted down the hill into
an old gasoline station, a mechanic inspected the engine and told her there was
nothing to do, that it was irreparably damaged.
In the dream she announced to us that we were all going to have to get
out of the car and walk the rest of the way.

When she finished relating the dream there
was silence in the room. Weather the
others were able to interpretation of this dream into their awareness, I do not
know; but I saw it’s significance and discussed it with Eunice in a private
session after that class. She was going
to die. Her body was beyond Cure, and
all of us were going to have to find our own paths without her help. The dream occurred in spite of the evidence
that after surgery the cancerous process was not detectable. In her heightened awareness, she told me that
she had deliberately related the dream to prepare her students for her death, which
would take place toward the end of the year.

She also told me that earlier in the year
she had had an impress that she was going to be called to a distant land, a
foreign country. Her outer mind had
interpreted this to mean a trip to the Far East. Now she knew that termination of
her physical form was to take place. She
realized that her commitment in this lifetime had been fulfilled: she had been
here to awaken certain individuals, and she had done so. She had no fear of the death process and, in
fact, would instruct me in the preparation for her death at the appropriate
time. Meanwhile, she refused
chemotherapy and radiation, because, though her outer mind clung to the hope of
a cure. She rejected palliation and
demanded either a complete cure or death.

There was still no postoperative evidence
of the cancerous process when she married Wendy and me on September 30,
1972. Wendy and I flew to Tobago for our
honeymoon and returned to the United States three weeks later to attend a
medical convention in Denver, Colorado.
One of her students telephoned me there to say that Eunice had been
taken to the hospital with abdominal pain.
Wendy and I immediately flew back to Los Angeles. ....

When I examined Eunice, I found the cancer
everywhere –in her abdomen, her neck and in her groins. One of her Physicians had told her that it
was of no concern and Eunice, in almost a childlike state of consciousness,
believed him. I looked at her with tears
in my eyes, but she wanted to know the truth.
So I told her; she had less than a month to live. She thanked me, because it made it clear that
the preparation for her crossing had to begin.

Because the pain was so excruciating, she
asked me to begin the process of using morphine to place her in a coma so that her
death would be accelerated by pneumonia, something I had on occasion done for
others who were nearing death. I
promised her I would do just that and ordered morphine injections to be given
every four hours around the clock, even if she seemed to be comfortable,
asleep, or otherwise not in pain. It didn’t
work. Despite very large doses, she
would not enter a coma; and finally, after three days, I spoke to her about her
lack of cooperation. She laughed and
said there must be more work to do. Even
if her outer mind wanted to escape the nightmare of pain, her soul was not
ready to leave. ....

Then she accomplished one of her
miraculous displays. In twenty-four
hours, she made the masses in her neck subside completely. She stated emphatically that she did not wish
to die in a hospital, that she wanted to go home. She also wanted to demonstrate that the
healing of her body was possible, and that in dying she was going to yield to
an inner calling. ....

We took her back to the guest cottage,
hired a special nurse to be with her and awaited the inevitable. Eunice went on teaching, counseling each of
us until the last week. ....

On a Late November morning Eunice died,
but not before telling her nurse that she saw two angels standing on either
side of a man with a Christ like appearance who was beckoning to her. She raised up from the bed, sitting up with
her arms out, then rested back on the pillow and died. ....

Yes Eunice had instructed me in the art of
dying, but my attachment to her on the personality level had prevented me from
fully appreciating at the time what a rich and valuable experience it was. With her death came physical grief and only
then the full implication of her teaching.
She had given each one of us the “key to the kingdom” we could continue
to search for another teacher, but her teachings were amazingly complex. Another person might phrase the principals
differently, but the essentials were one and the same. We had to get out of the car and walk. ....

I began that walk by setting aside at
least an hour each morning to enter into a deep meditative state of
consciousness. Sometimes it would mean
getting up at four in the morning, after completing long days at the hospital
and in the office and retiring at midnight.
I knew the path was internal and not external. There could and would be no further external
teacher. I had been given the gift of a
lifetime, and I knew it. The
manifestation of my own self-awareness was my responsibility and no one else’s. ....

How many times have I observed people
sitting in living rooms, lecture halls or in mountain retreats, listening to an
inspired teacher? Some of these people
had been doing the same thing for a year, five years, and even forty
years. After all that time they still
persist in failing to realize that the critical step is in being, no in what is
spoke about being. Action must be taken,
and that action is inside. ....

Almost two months to the day after Eunice’s
death, I found my inner teacher…a state of consciousness that continues to
teach me today. It is not a manifestation
of Eunice or anybody else that I recognize in my outer mind. Its presence is radiant; and its wisdom,
inspiring. ....

.. ..

These words mean a lot to
me, as they clue me in as to what type of person my never known grandmother
was. I know much more about her from
this man’s encounter with her than I may have ever been able to know from
another person. His words of her inspire
me at the same time as they clue me in, to some things about my own self. Having never known her, I can tell from this
that we would have been great healers together, and that her thought processes
are some similar to my own as far as religion and spirituality in my life. There must be a reason that I was to never
meet her, but whatever it is, I’m grateful for this small glimpse into to the
life of a woman, my grandmother, who seems to have been a woman I would have loved
dearly, and admired much, had I had the opportunity to do so.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

ABRACADABRA. The traditional Use of this Phrase


By Abracadabra we signify
An infinite number of things.
'Tis the answer to What? and How? and Why?
And Whence? and Whither? — a word whereby
The Truth (with the comfort it brings)
Is open to all who grope in night,
Crying for Wisdom's holy light.

Whether the word is a verb or a noun
Is knowledge beyond my reach.
I only know that 'tis handed down.
From sage to sage,
From age to age —
An immortal part of speech!

Of an ancient man the tale is told
That he lived to be ten centuries old,
In a cave on a mountain side.
(True, he finally died.)
The fame of his wisdom filled the land,
For his head was bald, and you'll understand
His beard was long and white
And his eyes uncommonly bright.

Philosophers gathered from far and near
To sit at his feat and hear and hear,
Though he never was heard
To utter a word
But "Abracadabra, abracadab,
Abracada, abracad,
Abraca, abrac, abra, ab!"
'Twas all he had,
'Twas all they wanted to hear, and each
Made copious notes of the mystical speech,
Which they published next —
A trickle of text
In the meadow of commentary.
Mighty big books were these,
In a number, as leaves of trees;
In learning, remarkably — very!

He's dead,
As I said,
And the books of the sages have perished,
But his wisdom is sacredly cherished.
In Abracadabra it solemnly rings,
Like an ancient bell that forever swings.
O, I love to hear
That word make clear
Humanity's General Sense of Things.

The Devils Dictionary

ABILITY, n. The natural equipment to accomplish some
small part of the meaner ambitions distinguishing able men from dead
ones. In the last analysis ability is commonly found to consist mainly
in a high degree of solemnity. Perhaps, however, this impressive
quality is rightly appraised; it is no easy task to be solemn.

ABSTAINER, n. A weak person who yields to the
temptation of denying himself a pleasure. A total abstainer is one who
abstains from everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity
in the affairs of others.

ACCIDENT, n. An inevitable occurrence due to the action of immutable natural laws.

ACCORDION, n. An instrument in harmony with the sentiments of an assassin.

ACCUSE, v.t. To affirm another's guilt or unworth; most commonly as a justification of ourselves for having wronged him.

AFFLICTION, n. An acclimatizing process preparing the soul for another and bitter world.

AIR, n. A nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful Providence for the fattening of the poor.

ALLIANCE, n. In international politics, the union of
two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's
pockets that they cannot separately plunder a third.

APOLOGIZE, v.i. To lay the foundation for a future offence.

ARDOR, n. The quality that distinguishes love without knowledge.

ARISTOCRACY, n. Government by the best men. (In this
sense the word is obsolete; so is that kind of government.) Fellows
that wear downy hats and clean shirts — guilty of education and
suspected of bank accounts.

ARREST, v.t. Formally to detain one accused of unusualness.

god made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh.
—The Unauthorized Version

ASPERSE, v.t. Maliciously to ascribe to anothers vicious actions which one has not had the temptation and opportunity to commit.

AUCTIONEER, n. The man who proclaims with a hammer that he has picked a pocket with his tongue.

BEAUTY, n. The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband

BELLADONNA, n. In Italian a beautiful lady; in English a deadly poison. A striking example of the essential identity of the two tongues.

BERENICE'S HAIR, n. A constellation (Coma Berenices) named in honor of one who sacrificed her hair to save her husband.

Her locks an ancient lady gave
Her loving husband's life to save;
And men — they honored so the dame —
Upon some stars bestowed her name.

But to our modern married fair,
Who'd give their lords to save their hair,
No stellar recognition's given.
There are not stars enough in heaven.

BIGOT, n. One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion that you do not entertain.

BRANDY, n. A cordial composed of one part
thunder-and-lightning, one part remorse, two parts bloody murder, one
part death-hell-and-the-grave and four parts clarified Satan. Dose, a
headful all the time. Brandy is said by Dr. Johnson to be the drink of
heroes. Only a hero will venture to drink it.

CALAMITY, n. A more than commonly plain and
unmistakable reminder that the affairs of this life are not of our own
ordering. Calamities are of two kinds: misfortune to ourselves, and
good fortune to others.

CENTAUR, n. One of a race of persons who lived before
the division of labor had been carried to such a pitch of
differentiation, and who followed the primitive economic maxim, "Every
man his own horse." The best of the lot was Chiron, who to the wisdom
and virtues of the horse added the fleetness of man. The scripture
story of the head of John the Baptist on a charger shows that pagan
myths have somewhat sophisticated sacred history.

CIRCUS, n. A place where horses, ponies and elephants are permitted to see men, women and children acting the fool.

CLAIRVOYANT, n. A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron, namely, that he is a blockhead.

CONNOISSEUR, n. A specialist who knows everything about something and nothing about anything else.

CREDITOR, n. One of a tribe of savages dwelling beyond the Financial Straits and dreaded for their desolating incursions.

CYNIC, n. A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things
as they are, not as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the
Scythians of plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.

DANCE, v.i. To leap about to the sound of tittering music, preferably
with arms about your neighbor's wife or daughter. There are many kinds
of dances, but all those requiring the participation of the two sexes
have two characteristics in common: they are conspicuously innocent,
and warmly loved by the vicious.

DEAD, adj.
Done with the work of breathing; done
With all the world; the mad race run
Though to the end; the golden goal
Attained and found to be a hole!
—Squatol Johnes

DEBT, n. An ingenious substitute for the chain and whip of the slave-driver.

father of a most respectable family, comprising Enthusiasm, Affection,
Self-denial, Faith, Hope, Charity and many other goodly sons and

All hail, Delusion! Were it not for thee
The world turned topsy-turvy we should see;
For Vice, respectable with cleanly fancies,
Would fly abandoned Virtue's gross advances.
—Mumfrey Mappel

DESTINY, n. A tyrant's authority for crime and fool's excuse for failure.

DIAGNOSIS, n. A physician's forecast of the disease by the patient's pulse and purse.

DICTATOR, n. The chief of a nation that prefers the pestilence of despotism to the plague of anarchy.

DIPLOMACY, n. The patriotic art of lying for one's country.

DISCUSSION, n. A method of confirming others in their errors.

DISTRESS, n. A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend.

ECCENTRICITY, n. A method of distinction so cheap that fools employ it to accentuate their incapacity.

EMBALM, v.i. To
cheat vegetation by locking up the gases upon which it feeds. By
embalming their dead and thereby deranging the natural balance between
animal and vegetable life, the Egyptians made their once fertile and
populous country barren and incapable of supporting more than a meagre
crew. The modern metallic burial casket is a step in the same
direction, and many a dead man who ought now to be ornamenting his
neighbor's lawn as a tree, or enriching his table as a bunch of
radishes, is doomed to a long inutility. We shall get him after awhile
if we are spared, but in the meantime the violet and rose are
languishing for a nibble at his glutoeus maximus.

EMOTION, n. A prostrating disease caused by a
determination of the heart to the head. It is sometimes accompanied by
a copious discharge of hydrated chloride of sodium from the eyes.

ENVELOPE, n. The coffin of a document; the scabbard of a bill; the husk of a remittance; the bed-gown of a love-letter.

EXPOSTULATION, n. One of the many methods by which fools prefer to lose their friends.

FAIRY, n. A creature, variously fashioned and endowed,
that formerly inhabited the meadows and forests. It was nocturnal in
its habits, and somewhat addicted to dancing and the theft of children.
The fairies are now believed by naturalist to be extinct, though a
clergyman of the Church of England saw three near Colchester as lately
as 1855, while passing through a park after dining with the lord of the
manor. The sight greatly staggered him, and he was so affected that his
account of it was incoherent. In the year 1807 a troop of fairies
visited a wood near Aix and carried off the daughter of a peasant, who
had been seen to enter it with a bundle of clothing. The son of a
wealthy bourgeois disappeared about the same time, but
afterward returned. He had seen the abduction been in pursuit of the
fairies. Justinian Gaux, a writer of the fourteenth century, avers that
so great is the fairies' power of transformation that he saw one change
itself into two opposing armies and fight a battle with great
slaughter, and that the next day, after it had resumed its original
shape and gone away, there were seven hundred bodies of the slain which
the villagers had to bury. He does not say if any of the wounded
recovered. In the time of Henry III, of England, a law was made which
prescribed the death penalty for "Kyllynge, wowndynge, or mamynge" a
fairy, and it was universally respected.